It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
