yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
