working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
