Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
