Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
