girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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