I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There r osticjed everywhere
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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