I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
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