And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
