oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
