The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
