What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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