it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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