I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
