Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
