i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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