like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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