never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
