theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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