Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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