Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
