People in love make me want to vomit
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
