he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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