On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i permit you to call me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
