Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
