I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize