Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.