halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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