mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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