drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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