Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
