you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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