You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
