Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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