I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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