sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
