i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
