i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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