How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
