I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
