I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
