i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
