im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
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I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
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I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.