matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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