Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
