Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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