For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
