There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
