Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
