Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me