I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
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Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
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tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up