if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.