if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places