I'm eating all of the evidence.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
