whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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