There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
