My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
