we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
