Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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