I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
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were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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