I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
